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Week 226 : Going Without

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Full Text (1100 words)

Copyright The Washington Post Company Jul 13, 1997

A university without a football team is like a novel without pictures.

A man without a woman is like a fish without one of those bubbling water filters that incessantly clean the tank, day in, day out.

A newspaper without comics is like the New York Times.

Pamela Anderson's brain, without the body, is like the worm without the bottle of tequila.

This Week's Contest: Complete some variation of the expression "An A without a B is like a C without a D," as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a humongous foam-rubber head on a pole, apparently intended for use at the 1996 Republican National Convention, featuring a likeness of Phil Gramm. It may be the only one ever made. For some reason, we were able to obtain it for only $8, but we find this a ridiculous bargain, and hereby declare it to be worth $9.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 226, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, July 21. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The newly ordained Dwarf of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to just do the job for which he is well paid by The Washington Post, and thank Mr. Russell Beland of Springfield for his fine contribution to today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are FREE THE FAERIE DEATH TO THE FOUL USURPER not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 223,

in which you were invited to submit entries to any past contest that you might have thought up after the deadline had passed.

Fourth Runner-Up -- Inappropriate Christmas toys:

"My First Norplant." (Cynthia Coe and Ray Aragon, Bethesda)

Third Runner-Up -- Dumb questions:

How come only people who walk funny and slur their speech drink excessive amounts of alcohol? (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring)

Second Runner-Up -- Dumb questions:

Why don't people name their kids Adolf anymore? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

First Runner Up -- A three-line poem beginning and ending with the same name:

Mike Tyson,

Thanks for the post-fight interview, but please don't drool blood and pieces of ear into the

Mike, Tyson.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

And the winner of the Spam piggy bank -- Weekly World News headlines:

Marshall Applewhite's Spaceship Crashes in Roswell!

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Honorable Mentions:

Stupid ideas for products:

Grapefruit-mist eye drops. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Answer: Chateau Lafite Buttafuoco.

Question: No matter how old it gets, what wine never matures? (Thomas Wallick, Washington)

Tom Swiftlies:

"Yes, there were distinguishing characteristics," Paula Jones said circumspectly. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Stupid ideas for products:

Pet mascara

(Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Bad first drafts of famous lines:

Socrates -- "The unexamined life is like a box of chocolates." (Joseph Sisk, Arlington)

Seinfeld-isms:

What's the story with refrigerator magnets shaped like small appliances? Magnets should look like magnets. What's next, pinning up miniature toilets in the bathroom?

(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Inappropriate telephone-hold music:

For Bill Clinton -- "Yessir, That's My Baby."

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Tom Swiftlies:

"The charges against me are preposterous," Marv said bitingly. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Tom Swiftlies:

"I never inhaled," said the president bluntly. (Gregory Dunn and

Karen Wright, Alexandria)

Tom Swiftlies:

"Learn from me, do not ever give a hooker a lift," Eddie Murphy mandated.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Why I need the pig:

By giving the $15 million pig to me, you will ensure that O.J. will not be able to sell it to help pay his fines. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Pretentious speech:

"Don't spend too much time on my nails, Maria. I've got some charity soup-kitchen thing tomorrow." (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Analogies:

Listening to "Pat Boone in a Metal Mood" is to listening to the Wagner "Ring" cycle as taking the Band-Aid off fast is to taking the Band-Aid off slow. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Bad first drafts of famous lines:

MacArthur -- "I shall return, circumstances permitting."

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge.)

Bad first drafts of famous lines:

"I've seen the future of rock-and-roll, and it is Gary Glitter." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

A plot for "Casablanca II":

Rick changes his mind and turns Laszlo in to the Nazis in order to keep Ilsa for himself. Later, Rick is horribly burned in a plane crash and wins the heart of his nurse by telling her the version of the story in which he nobly gives up Ilsa. The movie goes on forever, but women love it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Bad first drafts of famous lines:

"Use the Fahrvergnugen, Luke"

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Embarrassing phone-pad messages:

To: His Holiness, the Pope

Message: Allah called.

(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Palindromes:

What did the Hawaiian say when he caught his wife in bed with another man?

"Oh no! Don Ho!" (Dave Ferry, Leesburg)

Bad ideas:

Using the competitive bidding process to hire a hit man. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

More Hints from Heloise:

Dear Heloise: I loved your tip about using a few denture cleaning tablets to fizz-clean the toilet. To save even more time and money, place your dentures in the bowl at night, too, and ...

(Lance Seberhagen, Vienna)

Bad ideas:

Paying your bail with a forged check

(Richard Wong, Arlington)

New name for the Redskins:

The I-270 Spurs. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

New name for the Redskins:

The Reddishskins (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Good idea: Being chaste around the Oval Office.

Bad idea: Being chased around the Oval Office. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Conversation stoppers:

"Do you know there are seven kinds of mucus?"